"Work"

I'm so torn!

A friend of mine called and said she's ready to buy a house- was I working or taking time off with the baby? I quickly told her I was working part time and would love to help her. But now as I think about it, I'm really torn.

On one hand, I LOVE the idea of getting back to business and working on something mentally challenging right now. I really truly love my real estate business. This sleep-deprived-survival thing is not fun!! Plus, I hate to pass up an opportunity to work with someone who already knows what they want- they don't come around all that often. Also, the money's good and how else can we build up the truck fund?

On the other hand, I'm thinking I may not be ready to take anything else on.I've been chanting "just survive the first 8 weeks" to myself. I can barely compose a rational thought these days,so what's the chance I can do a good job of this, much less enjoy it? More importantly, I'm afraid that getting back to working will make me dislike the time with the kids. Ug, even thinking about all this has got me feeling much less satisfied with my day- does this make any sense??? I think about what I could be accomplishing and suddenly life as a stay at home mom seems sooooo...... menial.

I know there are many of you who will cringe at all this and try to remind me about how important being a mom is. I know all that. That's why I'm still here. But I also know that when NJ was young I really struggled to enjoy my time at home with him. Some might see it as baby blues, but it was really more like an identity crisis. (There's nothing like going from a 'real job' to staying at home to make you question who you are...) I kept trying to balance work and motherhood- it seemed like it should be possible. However, I've never been given to moderation. I know that when mommy duty and a paying job sit side by side, I'll always feel compelled to do the paid work and be annoyed by the mommy stuff.

Yesterday, I laid Gunner down in his crib for a minute while I helped NJ with something. Then when I came back he seemed pretty content just moving all his limbs, so I just stood over his crib and started talking to him. That's when he let out a big smile and a little half chuckle! It's the first time he's really smiled AT me instead of just in front of me. He was happy to see me!!! What joy to see your child respond to your presence that way! These are the moments that are so hard to anticipate but so easy to miss. If I go back to working, even just a little bit, I know I'll be too busy to just stand there and do nothing...

I guess that's why I had to call my friend back and ask if I could refer her to a co-worker. It hurt me to do so, but I'm hoping that I can enjoy the first six months of Gunner's life instead of the dissatisfaction I remember from the first go 'round. Maybe now would be a good time to start chanting that they're only young for a little while... NJ should start preschool this fall.